[Newspoetry] Op-Ed Question of the week

[Anne Bargar]

In this age in which it is becoming apparent that our political system is
fucked up, do you think that it's possible to fix it by duct-taping the
Republican and Democratic parties together? 

"I think it'll be great for the country."
Bart Slatsly, auto mechanic

"Logistically, it could be problematic.  What if you taped together two
people from different parts of the country?  Would you tape their bodies
together?  Or just their minds?"
Vera Yechum, Professor of Economics

"That proposition reminds me of the Great Alchemy Debate of '03.  I think 
that particular notion lead to the invention of Cheez Whiz."
George from down the street

"I'm concerned that producing the volumous amount of tape needed would
be not only an environmental disaster, but would lead to a crisis shortage
of duct tape for years to come.  What if we needed to fix things before
the shortage was rectified?  It could lead to civil war!"
Ernie Smith, watercolor artist

"We used to say that if you couldn't fix it with duct tape, the something
in question wasn't worth fixing."
that crazy guy who thinks he's Elvis

"I'm concerned that the experience of being duct-taped to another person
would indeed corrupt the solid moral fortitude of our national leaders.
Being held in bondage like that with someone could potential lead to a lot
of naughty touching and broken marriages."
The Rev. Phillip Berman

"Could someone at this paper please send me some information on those
advanced knitting courses that go for $39.95?  I saw them advertised, oh,
I think 3 years ago.  That would be very nice."
Mrs. Kitty Hartwell

"Just nuke the lot of them."
Mayor Kevin Edwards

"I have to admit, I'm afraid of the potential ameoba effect.  They might,
once affixed,
turn into a giant blob that will traverse the country, swallowing and
assimilating everyone.  We'll be running, screaming from the big
single-minded, single cell
that will block out the sky, waving it's thousands of heads that arise
from it's bussiness-suited body as citizens run for their lives!  But
most of all, I fear the sound effects that it will make.  Probably some
kind of a 'glooooooooooooooooooorp'-ish sound."
Eunice Bretson, local physics teacher

"Some of the greatest contemporary artists from outside of Belgium have
used duct tape to great effect in their work. 'Rhapsody In Grey' by
sculpter Peter Vnii is, in fact, a giant ball of duct tape, which fetched
$300,000 when auctioned off last summer."
Rauol Peterson, factory worker