[Newspoetry] (no subject)

[Rick Burkhardt]

Feb 27, 2000

As a special birthday election surprise, each of the candidates for
President of the United States dropped out of the race today -- except for
Ralph Nader.

"I had no idea you guys even knew it was my birthday," Nader stated amid
cries of "Surprise!", the unrolling of streamers and a roar of party favors.

Nader, who neglected to respond when the former candidates began to sing
"how old are you?", appeared genuinely moved by the trouble his "opponents"
had taken to make this birthday one he'll always remember.  "They must have
been planning this for weeks," he later told reporters.  "And the
expense... well, it's embarrassing because I never got them anything like
this."

"It was pretty complicated," admitted John McCain, who also bought Nader a
subscription to "Life" magazine.  "We knew we had to campaign hard, or he'd
suspect something from the start."

Indeed, Nader's legendary skepticism made it hard to plan a surprise he
wouldn't see right through -- but the "candidates" managed to use that to
their advantage.  "I always thought they were just a bunch of self-serving
skunks," admitted Nader.

"That was all part of the plan," explained Al Gore, cutting the large cake
that read "Happy Birthday, Mr. President."

Bill Clinton, whose knees were sore from hiding in the closet, announced
that he would be leaving the oval office early, so as to allow Nader to
assume leadership as close to his birthday as possible.  "When someone
gives you a present, it's no fun if you have to wait a month before you can
use it," said Clinton.

Rick Burkhardt, whose thirtieth birthday fell upon the same day, was
initially incensed that none of the former candidates had done anything
comparable for him.  "They could have at least mentioned me in their
speeches," he said.  Later, he retracted this statement, saying "Actually,
President Nader is a much better gift than another green sweater."