[Newspoetry] Presidential Debates Satire

[Adrian]

This is a skit that Sarah Carsey and I, Sehvilla Mann, wrote for last
week's Radiogirl. I played George W., Sarah played Al Gore,
and Jamie Gerber
played Jim Lehrer. Enjoy...  
...

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES SATIRE for radiogirl 11/5

note: various statements repeated in this skit are direct and indirect
quotes from Al Gore, George W. Bush, and their associates. 

MODERATOR: Good morning and welcome to the year 2000 presidential debates,
which will be broadcast by NBC studios in Corporate Town, America. This
event is sponsored by
AOLTimeWarnerDisneyMicrosoftPepsiCocaColaArcherDanielsMidlandMonsantoKraftAt&T
incorporated- "Bringing you news that doesn't upset our advertisers". I'm
Jim Lehrer, your moderator for the morning. 
  This morning, we will be talking with the two major candidates for the
presidency - Albert Bore (Gore: Yay!), the Democratic candidated,  and
George W. Gush (Bush: yay.), the republican candidate - oops, I meant
Albert GORE, and George W. BUSH (excuse me). In all of these long months
of campaigning for the presidency, the two candidates have never been side
by side. So tonight they will meet face to face and debate the issues that
they wish to debate. 
   I have selected 4 questions to ask the candidates today. The questions
that I will be asking, have been selected by me and only me, and have been
revealed to none save my family, my friends, their friends, and the
sponsors of this debate. By way of toss of a coin, the first question goes
to Al Gore. Gore will have 60 seconds to reply, followed by a 30 second
rebuttal by Bush. I can extend the rebuttal time. 
  Each opponent has 20 seconds to make an opening statement. 

  Gore - Well, Jim, first of all I would like to thank Corporate Town for
holding this debate, and NBC news for broadcasting it. NBC has contributed
a lot of money to the Democratic campaign. Um, I would like the American
People to know that I support putting things in ironclad lockboxes. Unlike
my my opponent here, who enjoys giving tax breaks to only the wealthiest
1% of Americans, I stand for the other 99 percent of Americans - the
middle class! I believe that we are on an irreversable trend towards
freedom and democracy - but that could change. I want the American people
to know that if I am elected president, I will put freedom and prosperity
in an ironclad lockbox (and make sure George W. Bush doesn't get the
keys). 

Moderator - Mr. Bush, your turn. 

Bush - Well, first of all, I would like to say that I am a Governor of the
biggest state in the world - I mean, the United States, and that state is
Texas, and in Texas, we believe that in order to be president of the
United States, you need to be responsible. And Texas isn't like
Washington. This WASHINGTON MAN is trying to scare you with his phony
numbers and fuzzy math, which I'm sure you'll see a lot of tonight. If you
vote for me, and I get elected president, the future will be better
tomorrow. 

Moderator: Mr. Gore, the future of education is a burning topic in the
minds of the American people, at least according to government-sponsored
opinion polls. Now, if you were elected president, what would you do for
education? 

Gore - Uh, my first response would be that Democrats understand that
ensuring every child the highest quality education is essential if America 
is to remain strong and competitive in today's economy. That's why my very
first campaign speech was about education, and that's why I will make
education my top domestic priority. I will put education in an ironclad
lockbox! Now I have to say that I doubt my opponent's commitment to the
education of the children of America. You know, I bet Mr. Bush only wants
the top 1% of Americans to be educated. 

Moderator - Governor Bush, would you like to respond? 

Bush - Well, there he goes again, trying to scare the American people with
his fuzzy math. Now, from politicians in Washington, this important
question is rarely asked: Is our children learning enough? Now I think the
answer is: maybe not! Education in America has been deteriorating since my
daddy was in office (Hi, Daddy!) If I am elected president, I will work to
ensure that we have the best-educated American people in the world!

Moderator - Governor Bush, you have questioned Al Gore's commitment to
family values. Can you elaborate? 

Bush - Laura and I have been married for 30 years, I mean, 24
years...something like that. Anyway, in all our years of marriage we have
remained faithful - unlike some ASSOCIATES of my opponent here AL GORE
(Gore: SIGH). Laura and I have raised our children in Texas, in a nuclear
family, free from those ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HOMES, which have
contributed to the moral degradation of the fabric of our nation. I am
APPALLED by the EXQUISITE sex and violence in the media. I am appalled by
the state of our families today, what with teenagers getting abortions and
lesbians and gays demanding special rights. I'm from Texas, and I'm a
Republican, and Republicans understand the need for bondage between a
mother and child. Now, I don't think my opponent takes this issue
seriously enough. 

Moderator - Vice President Gore, you have a 30 second rebuttal. 

Gore *sighs* My opponent's last statement wasn't quite accurate. Tipper
and I have been married for a long time, also. We have four children *Bush
exclaims: That's fuzzy math!* and have taught our children morality and
family values. Tipper and I have always been opposed to the CULTURAL
POLLUTION that our children are being exposed to. If I'm elected
president, I will fight hard to preserve the family values that President
Clinton and I have upheld for, well, at least the first six years of our
presidency. 

Moderator: Mr. Gore, this next question goes to you. One of the main
themes of your campaign is: care for the environment, and Gov. Bush's lack
of attention to the issue. 

Gore: Excellent question, Jim. Environmentalism has always been one of the
key components of my campaign, and Gov. Bush is clearly lacking on the
issue. Earlier, Mr. Bush was boasting about how responsible he has been as
the Governor of Texas. But did you know that Texas is one of the most
polluted states in the union? This pollution is harming the environment of
Texas and Governor Bush is allowing the rest of the world to also be
harmed by his lack of care of his home state. 

Bush: ("duh" sigh): Mr. Gore, the so called environmentalist, has his
facts all wrong on pollution. It isn't pollution that's harming our
enviroment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. 

Moderator - In the last 50 years, America has played a crucial role in the
world. It will continue to do so in the 21st century. Mr. Bush, could you
reflect on the role that America has played in the last century, and what
it will play in the 21st century?

Bush - One of the most tragic events in our nation's history is the
Holocaust. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history, I
mean, in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century. But there have been many good things in this
nations's history as well. One such thing is NATO. We have a firm
commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to
Europe. We are a part of Europe. America must be involved in the world.
Today we have such organizations as the WTO and the IMF that ensure the
rights of all people in the world to trade freely. 

Gore - The last seven years that I've been in office have been a critical
turning point in the VERY STRENGTH OF OUR ECONOMY! (Bush: now has the
opportunity to say, "that's fuzzy math".) Eight years ago, America was
facing a big challenge. Under the BUSH-QUAYLE administration, the American
Economy was floundering. Slow growth had turned into no growth and a
jobless recovery. Americans in all walks of life were facing a future of
less prosperity and more resignation. In 1992, Bill clinton and I were
elected to turn the economy around and point it upwards towards the
future. Since then, we have seen our nation go into a period of
unparalleled prosperity! However, we're all capable of mistakes, but I do
not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. But
if you elect me in the 21st century, I promise that I will continue the
levels of prosperity that we are now experiencing, not just for the
wealthiest 1 percent of Americans, but for the whole middle class! I will
put our nation's prosperity in an ironclad lockbox. 

Bush: Mr. Lehrer, if I could just add - 

Moderator: Go right ahead, Gov. Bush. 

Bush: Mr. Gore would like to pretend that he and Clinton have been
responsible for this wave of prosperity. In reality, the Clinton
Administration has been coasting along on this...tide of high earnings.
Uh, it is mostly luck on the Democrats' parts that they have happened to
be in office during this time (gore: SIGH). The BUSH and REAGAN
administrations had paved the way for this prosperity! The Democrats and
Liberal media have been deceptive in regards to what is causing this wave
of prosperity, the real causes of which are right under our noses!

Gore: The only thing right under your nose, Mr. Governor, is a line of
white powder. 

Bush: THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE, MR. VICE PRESIDENT! 

Moderator: Gentlemen, it's time to make our closing statements. Vice
president Gore, you are first. 

Gore: Thank you Jim, what an excellent question. It's been a pleasure to
be here today, debating with my worthy opponent. Um, during the last seven
years that Mr. Clinton and I have been in office we have made significant
advances in the state of this nation's economy, changes that would not
have taken place under a Bush. In the 21st century, if I am elected
president, I will make sure that I put lots of things in lockboxes and
give money to the middle class as well as the wealthiest 1% of Americans.
(Bush: there he goes again, with his fuzzy math). I have made good
judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. If you
elect me, I will continue to make good judgments in the future. 

Moderator: You have one minutes, Mr. Bush, to make your closing statement. 

Bush: Thank you, Jim. It has been an honor to be here with you and my
worthy opponent this morning. I think that the man loves his family, which
is good because I support family values, but that what Vice-President Gore
is really about is scaring the American people - with HIS FUZZY MATH and
phony numbers! Now, if you elect me to be president, you will get a leader
who doesn't try to scare voters into voting for him. My father was a
president, and I've been a governor of a very big state, and I am ready
for any unforseen event that may or may not occurr when I am in office, so
you can feel safe in my hands. My opponent has accused my of not being
experienced enough to be president. Well, I would like him to remember
that although you do need leadership qualities, you don't have to be smart
to be president. 

Moderator: Thank you, Gentlemen. 

--------
RadioGirl is heard every other morning on WEFT 90.1 Champaign at 10:00 am.
Our next show is on November 19th. 


 sehvilla

_______________________

"...Monsanto's own tests showed increased levels of mastitis, a painful 
udder infection, in cows injected with rBGH. According to food safety
experts, increased levels of mastitis would force farmers to use more
antibiotics, which would be more likely to contaminate the cows' milk. 
rBGH milk would also spoil faster because it contains more bacteria and 
has a higher "somatic cell count" (translated into layman's language, this 
means that the milk contains "more pus"). 
                            from "Toxic Sludge is Good For You"


On Fri, 29 Sep 2000, Erek Dyskant wrote:

> Hi-
> 	I'm currently in Corvallis, Oregon visiting a friend there.  I'll
> be taking a plane to San Francisco later today.  I should have left
> yesterday but the plane was cancelled so I had to stay another day.
> 
> 	Camp turned out great.  It was wonderful reconnecting with all the
> people I met last year plus meeting a lot of really cool new 
> people.  While I was there I taught a workshop on activism which went
> quite good.
> 
> 	I did a short visit in San Francisco before I left for
> Oregon.  During that I made it to my environmental groups
> (Tri-Valley CAREs for future reference) annual planning
> retreat.  It was great.  This was my first retreat with this group
> although I've been with then for 8 years.  Always seemed like there was
> something more pressing every year.
> 
> 	The friends I'm with now (actually two roomates.  They both
> homeschooled when they were younger) are both very much into computer
> programming so I've  been learning a lot about
> computers.  They run the nbtsc.org server (notice my e-mail address) which
> is sitting right next to me so when you send me an e-mail it sits on
> that server until I check my e-mail.
> 
> 	See you later.  If you don't get around to writing me that is fine
> but I would love to hear from you.
> 
> 					Erek
> 					
>