[Newspoetry] ABP: calling all poets

[Anne Bargar]

Olympic Rules and Standards:
Turkey Slicing Competition

Number of turkeys to be sliced: 8

Highest number of points to be awarded: 10, with a minimum of .5

Points shall be awarded for speed, style, and ability to swear
at the machinery.

All turkeys shall be sliced on IOC approved meat slicers.

There shall be seven judges, one from each of the following countries:
USA, Canada, France, Germany, Japan, Iran, and Zimbabwe. 

Absolutely no performance enhancing drugs shall be used by athletes taking
part in the turkey slicing competition.

For no particular reason, the competition shall be divided into men's and
women's divisions.

All turkeys that are to be sliced shall be dead.  All turkeys shall come
with the skin on, shall be lightly seasoned, shall weigh 8 pounds, and
shall be covered in gelatinous goo.

No turkeys shall be used to feed The Revolution.  All turkeys shall be
used to feed the University of Illinios Marching Band instead.

Athletes taking part in the competition shall not endorse any particular
brand of turkey in a paid advertisement.

Any questions reguarding these rules and standards can be directed at the
Office of Competitive Turkey Slicing, International Division.