[Newspoetry] Aaron's Alphabetic Advancement

[Joe Futrelle]

Aaron's Alphabetic Advancement: an Atrocity?
Author: Aaron Aaronson

Aquila, Arizona (AP) -- Alphabetically, Adam Aaronson arrived ahead;
an advantageous arrangement.  Aaron's achievement (academic and
athletic) accelerated.  Adam accepted all A's and an auspicious
appointment at Amherst.

Are Adam and accomplices abusing alphabetic advancement?  Affirmative,
activists adamantly allege.

"Adam and alphabetically-advantaged American adolescents alike
appropriate arbitrary, artificial, anachronistic ancestral
appelations, anointing anyone at all as achievers and alienating
aspiring alphabetical alternates," an appalled Alastair Aldrich
agrees, adding "alphabetically-advantaged adolescents are absolutely
average."

Aaronson acknowledges and apologizes, although ambivalently and
awkwardly.  "Anybody's apathetic anymore," Adam asserts.  As
alphabetically-advantaged adolescents assimilate, apathy awakens.  An
Achilles ankle among adolescent alphabetic aristocrats?  Ambiguous.

Asked about abolishing alphabetic advantage, Aaronson's ancestors are
adamant.  "Aaronsons are achievers," Adele Aaronson, Adam's aunt,
affirms.  "Aaronsons always achieve A+'s and are accomplished architects,
amazing acrobats, advanced astronomers, and acclaimed admirals.

"Aaronsons author ambitious academic analyses and are applauded
accepting auspicious awards," Adele adds.

An arbitrary arrangement?  Ask Zack Zuckerman, an
alphabetically-arrested American.  "Zoned-out zealots," Zuckerman
accuses.  Acrid apricots -- alternately, an astute allegory.

--
Joe Futrelle
Editor-within-chief,
Newspoetry dot com