[Newspoetry] A Compassionate, Yet Ferocious, Christian Rebuke from Bill "Bill" Wendling

[wendling at ganymede.isdn.uiuc.edu]

Dear Newspoetry,

Bill "Bill" Wendling has been to the fabulous website "Betty Bowers is a Better Christian Than You."  In perusing the joyous insight and delicate turn of phrase of America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, Bill "Bill" Wendling has come to the sad realization that, while no one could ever be as good a Christian as Mrs. Bowers, Bill "Bill" Wendling is verily Jesus on the cross compared to you, dear.  

With this in mind, Bill "Bill" Wendling asked Mrs. Bowers and her True Christian friends at Landover Baptist Church to review your chances of salvation and send you this godly rebuke - not with any genuine hope of saving you (any more than all those prolonged "sessions in recovery" made a dent in your outrageous neediness), but simply to remind you that Bill "Bill" Wendling is just a little bit better than you.  For what is the point of being saved, if you can't remind others that they are not?

Print out the following "purse-size" rebuking memorandum and read it loudly in a very public place (for it is only in inciting the scorn of strangers that you will gain insight into the opinion of friends). 


MEMORANDUM



From:  The Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee (Subcommittee for the Irretrievably Lost, Whether Catholics, Mormons, Muslims or Unrepentant Serial Killers)

To:  Newspoetry

Re:  Your Salvation 

 

As the vessel of the Lord's perfect message of boundless wrath and annoyance with His imperfect creations, the matter of your wistful hopes of salvation was brought before the full board of the Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee on this very day.


After a suitable time for contemplation, no matter how seemingly brief, it was determined by unanimous consent of all True Christians present the following findings of fact:



1.	You are a thoroughly annoying person;



2.	Your presence in God's Glory would make it extremely difficult for "Heaven" to live up to its name; and



3.	Therefore, you have been damned to an everlasting Hell, to have your flesh gnawed at by voracious hoofed demons.


The Lord has specifically asked us to remind you that your consignment to perpetual torture at the hands of deranged beasts of His making should in no manner be construed as any indication that the Lord has, by either design or omission, discontinued His unconditional love of you.  And, further, you are not to construe our relief in the knowledge that we shall not be sharing God's Glory with someone as appallingly wretched as you (or the look of sublime delight that flashes across our otherwise inscrutable faces when we contemplate the agony of your much deserved destiny) as diminishing our love for you as True Christians.


Wishing you a speedy descent,


Mrs. Betty Bowers, Chairlady & America's Best Christian


You may rebuke someone less pious than you (if, of course, you are able to locate such a rare specimen) by going to the following URL:

   http://www.bettybowers.com/cgi-bin/ebuke.cgi

Betty Bowers is a Better Christian Than You - http://www.bettybowers.com/