[Newspoetry] HEADLINES

[Scott Rettberg]

MILLIONS OF AMERICANS SAID TO BE SICK OF ANTHRAX

Others show no symptoms

I LEARNED A NEW WORD

"Cutaneous"

POWDERED DONUT SALES DOWN

Glazed sales are up

MANY AFGHANS SAID TO BE DEAD

George Bush to throw out first pitch

AFGHANS SAID TO BE LESS POPULAR

Millions are now switching to macramé

OIL STILL POPULAR

Many Millions of Americans said to drive automobiles

BRITISH NEWS SAID TO BE BETTER

Better accents, more comprehensive coverage cited

VIDEOPHONES NOW POPULAR AMONG WAR CORRESPONDENTS

Poets allege they have been using them for years

FAMINE SAID NOT TO BE FUNNY

Army's peanut butter sandwiches said to be stale

RED CROSS SAID TO CONFUSE SMART BOMBS

Genius bombs point out resemblance to cross hairs

THREE DAY TERRORISM OUTLOOK

Tuesday: chance of explosions
Wednesday: bioterrorism front coming in from the east
Thursday: public transportation a possible target

AMERICAN TELEVISON STILL INSULTINGLY BAD

But Michael Jordan may revive basketball

AMERICAN ECONOMY SAID TO SUCK

Europe, Asia believe they are screwed as well

HIGH STATE OF ALERT SAID TO BE VAGUE

Americans drink more coffee, suspect neighbors