[Newspoetry] The 2003 NBA All-Star Hoop-it-up for Debt Relief

[Editor-Within-Chief]

http://www.nba.com/allstar2002/hoopitup/hoopitup_release_020124.html

Ernie Johnson: Welcome to the 2003 NBA All-Star Hoop-it-up for Debt 
Relief.  This is Ernie Johnson coming to you from the MCI Center in 
Washington, D.C. home of the Washington Wizards, and I'm joined as always 
by Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley, and Kenny, we have a very special event 
tonight.

Kenny Smith:  That's right Ernie, and it's one we're probably not going to 
see again.

Charles Barkley:  I hope we don't see it again, because those guys can't play.

Johnson: Charles, talking of course about U2, who will be taking on Kobe 
Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Allen Iverson, and Michael Jordan in a 3-on-3 
matchup that could have a major impact on the history of the world.

Barkley:  What is U2 doing playing these guys?

Johnson:  That's certainly a good question Charles, now here are the 
rules.  Halfcourt, eight minute game clock, sudden death overtime, one time 
out, and if U2 wins, all the debts of developing third world nations will 
be cancelled, whereas if the NBA team wins, they will split $30 million 
four ways.  Kenny, what can we look for in this matchup?

Smith:  Well I think we need to look at Shaq.  Because U2 may have the 
biggest sound and the biggest conscience out there, but that doesn't mean 
they have the power or the agility to shut Shaq down in the low post.

Barkley:  And can they shoot?  I don't think so.

Johnson:  That'll certainly become clear as we get underway here with the 
opening tip.

Barkley:  And what about Bono's glasses?  That is just ugly.

Johnson:  Bryant winning the tip easily, and kicks it out to Iverson, who 
shoots for three 
 no good.  But the Edge can't come up with the rebound, 
so it's NBA ball.  Kenny, what do you think U2's strategy ought to be tonight?

Smith:  Well, I don't know about strategy, but I think you're going to see 
a lot of will power out there, because they really care about the plight of 
the third world.

Barkley: But will power is not going to win this one, they're going to need 
to make shots.

Johnson:  Well with no team scoring yet, Bryant inbounds to Iverson, who 
pulls the trigger immediately for two, opening up a lead for the NBA.

Barkley:  That lead is just gonna get bigger.

Johnson:  The Edge inbounds to Bono, who takes it out to three point range 
and looks for an open band member.  U2 is going with a small lineup, with 
Bono at just 5 foot 8.  Bono's pass finding Adam Clayton, who shoots ... 
rejected by Shaquille O'Neal out of bounds, last touch obviously by the NBA 
team.

Smith:  That's an easy break for U2, and they're going to need a lot more 
easy breaks before it's all over.

Johnson:  Clayton inbounds to Bono, who looks like he's going to shoot but 
thinks better of it, under intense defensive pressure from O'Neal and 
Bryant but manages to get a pass out to the Edge, who shoots from two point 
range, and that was way off.

Barkley:  I told you they can't shoot.

Smith:  And even if they could shoot, they're going to have to shoot past 
one of the league's top shot blockers.

Johnson:  Referring of course to Shaquille O'Neal, who came up with the 
rebound this time.  Bryant looks like he's about to drive to the inside, 
but just pulls up for three, and it's good.

Barkley:  But where's U2's defense?  If they're just gonna leave guys like 
Kobe open, this is gonna be a short game.

Johnson:  Well, it's going to be a short game anyway.  With the score 5 to 
nothing, U2 is looking for a way to come off the NBA's screen.

Smith:  Do these guys even know what a screen is?

Johnson:  And Bono drives to the inside, stolen by Iverson, who's just too 
fast for him, to Bryant with the jam!  That's 7 unanswered points by the 
NBA, and it looks like they really want that $30 million.

Smith:  But you've got to admire the passion of U2's Bono who was looking 
to beat Kobe Bryant off the dribble and drive past Shaq, all for third 
world debt relief.

Johnson:  That debt relief would sure help the third world.  It's 
interesting that Dikembe Mutombo wasn't chosen for this team, because not 
only is he the only four-time NBA defensive player of the year, but his 
foundation has given millions to his home continent.

Barkley:  Maybe they should have put him on the U2 team, and this game 
would actually be worth watching.

Johnson:  Speaking of the U2 team, Bono has just made a pass to Adam 
Clayton, who is fouled hard by O'Neal.

Barkley:  Now that is just unnecessary.

Johnson:  Clayton looks hurt, let's look at the replay.

Smith:  You see, Clayton landed on his ankle here, and you can see him 
wince as O'Neal comes down on top of him.

Johnson:  So U2 is going to substitute drummer Larry Mullen, Jr. for the 
injured Adam Clayton, and they will inbound with just over six minutes to 
play here at the MCI Center.  Mullen is looking for an open man, and is 
having a hard time, and the Edge just looks tired.

Smith:  Well, the NBA has Iverson on him, and I don't think there's a rock 
star in the world with his speed and agility, except maybe Prince.

Barkley:  But Prince is even shorter than these guys.

Johnson:  Mullen finally finding Bono, who drives inside and then gets off 
a beautiful underhand pass to the Edge who shoots and another airball for 
the guitarist.

Smith:  That was actually a nice pass.

Johnson:  Bryant inbounding to Iverson, who drives through Mullen and hands 
it off to Shaq with a beautiful dunk and the foul!

Smith:  You've got to admire this drummer for going up against Shaq, but 
Shaq is just too powerful for him, on the replay here you can see him just 
bounce off of Shaq like a mannequin and he did get a little bit of the arm 
there, so it's a good call.

Johnson:  Colorful imagery from Kenny Smith here, now both teams have one 
foul here, and if you remember the foul limit is three, which means both 
teams have two fouls to give.  Charles, if you're U2, what are you thinking 
here?

Barkley:  Well, I'm thinking, is there any other way to get third world 
debt relief, because I can't win against these guys.

Smith:  Seriously, I think U2's in trouble because they've got to 
double-team Shaq or maybe even triple-team him.

Barkley:  Or even quadruple team him!

Smith:  But if they double-team Shaq then they're going to leave two of the 
best basketball players in the world open.  And they have got to start 
taking more shots, because that's the only way they're going to make any.

Johnson:  U2 now 0 for 3 from the field with six to go.  Mullen to Bono who 
shoots for two and it's good and the crowd is going wild.

Barkley:  That's just got to be embarrassing for Shaq.

Smith:  Shaq was just a little too late trying to block that one.

Johnson:  NBA looking to nip this trend in the bud and Kobe to Iverson who 
answers with a drive to the hoop and there's nothing U2 could do about that 
one.

Barkley:  Iverson is the answer.

Johnson:  Iverson in the replay here beating Bono off the dribble easily 
and a graceful layup bringing the NBA's lead back to 9, and a time out.

Smith:  See, I think U2 has got to foul Shaq and hope that he can't make 
the free throws, and then get Bono the ball because he's probably their 
best player.

Johnson:  Cheryl Miller is courtside with U2.  Cheryl?

Cheryl Miller:  I'm here with Bono, the lead singer of U2 and the only 
member of this team who has scored tonight.  Bono, how do you think it's 
going, and how important is third world debt relief to you?

Bono:  I think it's going better than we expected, but I think the most 
important thing here is the plight of the third world.  We shouldn't have 
to play a ridiculously unfair basketball game to draw the world's attention 
to this very serious issue.

Miller:  What is your strategy going to be for the remainder of the game?

Bono:  It's hard to really think about strategy.  We just need to remember 
what this is about.

Miller:  What about Shaquille O'Neal?  Adam Clayton has already been 
injured trying to stop O'Neal, and what are you going to do about him going 
forward?

Bono:  Well obviously we don't want any more injuries, but unless we go up 
hard against Shaq, the third world may be saddled with unbearable debt for 
decades.

Miller:  Thank you Bono of U2, and good luck.

Bono:  Thanks.

Miller:  Back to you, Ernie.

Johnson:  Thank you Cheryl, we'll see what U2 has in store for Shaq as we 
get back into the action.  Bono kicks it into to Mullen and back to Bono 
who shoots, but it's short, and Shaq has the rebound.  Iverson easily 
getting open for Bryant's inbound pass, to Shaq in the paint and U2 are all 
over him, that was a hard foul and now 
 uh oh 
 we've got a brawl 
here.  The refs are trying to get in between Shaq and Bono here, and it 
looks like Clayton is limping over to get into the action as well.

Barkley:  What the fuck is going on?

Johnson:  I think we're going to see some technicals here and certainly 
some ejections, because sportsmanship has really flown out the window 
here.  Cheryl, what's happening?

Miller:  Well as I'm sure you can see on the replay, that was a very hard 
foul and it looked like Bono had his hands around Shaq's neck.  Shaq 
apparently wasn't too happy with that, and started throwing punches.

Johnson:  Thanks Cheryl, this is becoming a familiar story here with 
Shaquille O'Neal.  The referees are trying to sort things out.  It looks 
like there are double technicals both ways, and Shaq, Bono, Clayton, and 
the Edge are all being ejected from the game.  Which leaves Mullen to hold 
his own against Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, and Michael Jordan who will 
come in to replace Shaq as center.

Barkley:  This game is over.

Johnson:  Shaq is clearly starting to lose it here, I mean this is charity 
game against celebrities, after all.

Smith:  Well you have to remember two things here Ernie.  First of all, 
Shaq takes this kind of beating regularly, and second of all, it doesn't 
matter how important third world debt is, you cannot strangle a center like 
that.

Barkley:  Plus there's that $30 million.

Johnson:  That may be a factor.  Well, when we come back, Larry Mullen, Jr. 
and Michael Jordan will each shoot two technicals, and we'll see if Mullen 
can salvage third world debt relief from this very unusual turn of events 
at the 2003 NBA All-Star Hoop-it-up for Debt Relief.

Barkley:  He can't beat these guys.  C'mon!

Johnson:  With the score NBA 11, U2 2, with three minutes on the clock and 
half the players ejected, we'll be back in a few minutes.


--
Joe Futrelle
editor-within-chief
http://www.newspoetry.com/