[Newspoetry] Perpetual E-Motion Machines: a news release

[Donald L Emerick]

An On-LineT Story clipped from today's New York Rave Views of Books©:
(NYRVB: a society of antiquarians of curmudgeony 5th-columniatic-elitists,
whose mot is
"I-always-know-better-than-you-because-I-know-everyone-who-is-important-and-
they-said-so-first."  Also, Thieves-of-Thebes, see infra for limitations re
pilferings and plunderings of tombs and catacombs.)

NIRVANA NOW, MOTION DELAYED
By Joice J'Aimes
New Jerusalem, 7 Kishri 4132--Scientists in the Einstein Research
Laboratories today announced the discovery of a sustainable anti-universe,
capping the drive of recent anti-real discoveries and curious inventions
that had been only of interest to basic researchers.  Doualpe Hitayefsky (Ph
D, Haifa, '49), chief scientist, spoke for the Labs, saying that he had
named the new anti-universe Nirvana: "I have found Nirvana".  However, one
anonymous wag says that the new anti-universe more closely resembles Gehenna
as it rests on the GotterDammerRung (GDR) principles.  Moreover, this wag
reports that Dr. Hitayefsky may have wrongfully delayed research on the
fully funded Perpetual Motion Machine (PMM) project that has long been
fought by the World Council of Manufacturers and Global Energy Research
Organization (Genron).  If so, WCM and Genron would probably both be happy
to see PMM funds diverted even more permanently into NIRVANA research
projects.  Genron CEO Pelay said: "Only distraction and diversion will save
us from the long trumpeted exhaustion of profitable lines of monopoly
control that keep the American economy going.  Who needs PMM when we have
all of that going on for us all of the time?  PMM research was always a
boon-doggle and a sop to the willy-nilly liberals of the left."

Dr. Hitayefsky denied all of these charges.  "Details of anti-universalism
are clouded with mathematical physics so technical that only a handful of
scientists, at most -- and maybe as few as one -- understand it," said Dr.
Hitayefsky, confidently.   "However, let me sketch for you some of the
developments that are critical to our success, here today at ERL.  The GDR
principles, collectively taken, assert that the Axioms of Choice -- which
prevent any system from having an exact mathematical analogue -- may be
physically instantiated in many different ways, by varying the kind of
infinity (or infinitesimal, in this case) that one applies to the system.
That is, GDR applications take chaos out of systems by separating chaotic
elements into parallel Platonic-like essences."

"I use the word parallel here only metaphorically, because we are not
dealing with Euclidean spaces, but Riemannian N-dimensional manifolds."
Topology Today, the American mathematical journal, reports that manifolds
are simply an extension of the ideas of Euclidean space, on the proviso that
Weyl's continuum hypothesis is taken both symmetrically and
anti-symmetrically.  One shows that a proper cut necessarily divides what
looks like one chaotic manifold into two (and maybe more, according to some
theorists) completely ordered sub-manifolds, each of which spans a complex
universe.

Dr. Hitayefsky, when queried on this, said that the TT story was essentially
correct.  "However," he continued, "I am a physicist, not a mathematician.
To me, each of these two universes looks a lot like its counterpart.  Thus,
the descriptive term 'anti-universe' is far more appropriate, as would be
apparent to anyone who has thought the matter through as long as I have.
Besides that, neither I nor anyone else has yet any evidence for three or
more -- let alone some infinity -- of universes."  Sprechen Sie Deutsch, the
widely-acclaimed German metaphysician's handbook for doctoring students of
the universities, says that Leibnitz long ago established the idea of
alternative possible worlds.   According to their anticipatory editorial
preface: "It will be interesting to hear of Hitayefsky's physical proof of
Leibnitz's Best Possible World hypothesis.  When that happens, we can all be
relatively more certain that this naturally created and existing universe is
not alone, that other possible worlds could exist.  More importantly, we'll
be able to put to rest Nietzsche's doubts about good and evil.  Whatever-is
is so naturally.  Whatever-is-not, and belongs to the realm of possible
worlds, is-not.  The is-not is not the best that is-possible.  The term
"good", then, refers to the "is".  The limitation of the terms good-evil to
Humean-based past experiences means that responsible metaphysicians must
deploy a different set of moral terms to describe projectively imagined
consequences of presently intended actions, unless comparable other worlds
exist."

Dr. Hitayefsky professes ignorance of these SSD writings.  He declares that
no copy of SSD will be found in his Labs:  "No competent scientist at ERL
reads SSD."  A call to SSD resulted in issuance of this official statement:
"Dr. Hitayefsky might be right, that SSD is not read by any competent person
at ERL.  However, one must question, then, whether any scientist at ERL is
competent -- a possibility that Hitayefsky did not rule out in speaking out
upon that whereof he professes not to know.  Wittgenstein's sage advice
remains useful, 'Be silent when you are ignorant.'"

Popular reaction throughout the world has been enormous and turbulent.  Most
security markets closed.    In the American Congress today, the majority
party called the Christian Coalition (CC) introduced legislation to prohibit
the use of federal taxpayer dollars to fund "anti-universe" research.  The
proposed ban would also bar the use of those funds on "anti-matter" and
"anti-gravity" research.  ProLife-ProAmerica (PLPA), the largest minority
party in the Congress, says that it will also support this legislation.
"Anti-universes are inimical to Life as God created it.  If God had wanted
to make anti-matter, He would have done so.  He did not do so.  We ought not
to do what God disdains doing.  We would violate the moral order of time
itself, intrude on God's being God."  President Bush IX said she would issue
a new Encyclical immediately, as soon as her recently called Conference on
Ethical and Moral Implications of Anti-Universe Legislation (CeMiAuL,
see-me-yowl) concludes its latest report on American religious conventions
and customs that
ought-to-have-been-law-all-along-but-were-overlooked-perhaps-in-the-morally-
more-imperative-rush-to-make-a-buck.  Bush IX spokesbeing, So Spacious
Skies, said the President was certain that the Conference would unanimously
support the President.  "Afterall," So (or Sue, as Bush has dubbed her)
said, "Bush IX would not have appointed anyone to the Conference who could
not be counted upon to do as told.  Only unstable terrorists think for
themselves."  See related news-article, infra today, "'BrainDead' bill
breathes new spirit into 'ProLife-ProAmerica' agenda in new Bush IX
Anti-Terrorism Legislation."

Elsewhere, in New Delhi, Ghandi XXI, premier of the Civilized Indian Peoples
Republic of Operational Harmonic Orders (aka, CIPRO-HO), says that every
Hindu has long agreed that Nirvana could be attained.  "However," said
Ghandi, "the old methods of self-discipline were so cumbersome that few
could reach Nirvana.  Perhaps, in the near future, we shall be able to
distribute Nirvana devices over-the-counter."

Critics have long suggested that the powerful Ghandi clan has secretly
controlled the Indian Nirvana market, by making life conditions too
difficult for most Indians.  When scarcity rules, black-marketers always
earn huge profits.  According to last year's Economics Nobel laureat Sen Ari
Oh: "As scarcity does not occur naturally, government exists to close
markets to competition.  Supply side management theories let us eliminate
pointless duplication and wasteful inefficiency.  Consumers do not have to
waste their time trying to figure out which brand is best.  Consumers also
avoid buying an inferior product.  Consumers can shop confidently, knowing
that they are buying the best that there is, because there is nothing else
out there for comparison.  We thus aid and hasten nature's tendency to
absolute hierarchy in all things, achieving the best of all possible worlds.
With Dr. Hitayefsky's marvelous discovery, we thus can now look forward to a
broader grand unification of theory in science.  Economics will no longer be
the wayward child of science."

At New-and-Improved Oxford, NIO philosopher and Muslim mullah E. Nuff
Goodman agreed:  "My great-great grandfather Nelson made several major
contributions to 'possible world' thinking in the last century, defining it
as an attainable universe from the present one.  Dr. Hitayefsky's discovery
today thus presents no surprise to me or to anyone in our family."  When
asked about GDR, ENG licked his lips and hesitated, before saying "GDR
principles were unknown, except in the poetico-political sphere, in the last
century.  You'd have to read something like bit-worn back-editions of the
NewsPoetrySociety to grasp the GDR principles in theoretically precise, if
highly impractical, immanent unfoldings of our infinite space-time continuum
and its manifolds.  Sounds like a few good doctoral theses that are ready to
be written." and, leaving me with that sharp retort vaguely and vaporously
hanging in the air over my head, he hung up, unambiguously.

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