[Newspoetry] it's sort of a newspoem

[Jay Morris]

VIRUS ALERT!!!

DO NOT OPEN ANY AMAZING OFFERS!!!

Yesterday morning I received a letter in the mail, which was addressed
to me and had the words 'Amazing Offers Inside!' stamped on the front.
When I opened it, I unwittingly unleashed a nasty virus, which
infected my brain almost immediately.

Minutes later, I was calling for auto insurance quotes, and I couldn't
stop thinking about 'care-free checking with overdraft advantage'.
When I was satisfied that I had enough car insurance, I ran out to
have my pillows dry-cleaned (for 30% off), and stopped on my way home
to pick up a cheeseburger.  Mostly for the 'bonus' fries.

I spent about an hour on the phone before figuring out that I wasn't
really speaking to Miss Cleo, and I was a little embarrassed for
having just told my life story to a complete stranger (or possibly a
computer).  I hung up and called (right away!) to sign up for
correspondence classes in gun repair, and made an appointment to have
my car rust-proofed.

Before the day was over, I had spent most of the money I got against
my car's title (no questions asked!), and I ended up giving my watch
to the pizza delivery man for two extra large pizzas, breadsticks and
three 2L bottles of Coke.  I think this half-price SuperTan will
eventually fade away, but I don't  know if I'll ever get the Menards
song out of my head.

So if you get an envelope marked 'Amazing Offers Inside!' DON'T OPEN
IT!!! It's a virus!!

Jay

p.s., if anyone wants copies of People magazine or a collection of
porcelain poodles, talk to me in 6-8 weeks.