[Newspoetry] Happiness Levels Close Higher Again Today

[Jay Morris]

Happiness Levels Close Higher Again Today

Wednesday marked the third straight day of rising happiness levels in
the U.S..  The rise is believed to be in response to several factors
including the close of the university semester, favorable weather
patterns, and an unexpected drop in the price of garden plants.  Many
Americans stayed away from the office today, choosing instead to stay
home and plant tomatoes and peppers.

"I haven't felt this good in a long time" remarked Urbana resident
Brian Burnham out for a walk, "Look at that cloud!".  Kite sales also
rose across the country today as many children were pulled from school
for the day to enjoy the weather with their families.

The rise caught White House official Ari Fleischer a little off-guard,
"We see a little blip every year at this time, but this year some
extra factors came into play which have exacerbated the effect."
Fleischer suggested citizens remain calm and stay in their homes.

With people spending more time outside breathing fresh air, pollsters
expect a slight drop in Bush's approval rating.  More importantly to
the Bush camp, pollsters predicted today that the 'War on Terror' will
lose support as happy U.S. citizens feel less scared of boogeyman
Osama bin Laden.

"Which is exactly what certain anti-American groups want" explained
Homeland Defender Tom Ridge.  "Well I'll tell you what, when the
terrorists are gone I'll be the first one out there walking my dog.
But until then, we need to focus on putting things right.  If you are
out flying a kite today, you are simply aiding the terrorists.  Knock
it off!".

White House strategists today were confident the trend can be
corrected.  "We've been holding back a Barbara Walters special for an
occasion like this" noted Ridge.  "It's on the ability of fresh fruits
and vegetables to act as carriers for small pox.  Come to think of it,
ER is doing a show on small pox this week."  Ridge seemed to smirk as
he added "Yes Americans, there may be a small pox attack in a city
near you next week or the week after."