[Newspoetry] mass destruction

[Editor-Within-Chief]

Pasadena, CA (Associated Poets)

In a development which promises to alter the debate about the U.S.'s role 
in protecting the world, NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory has confirmed 
that the solar system not only possesses weapons of mass destruction, but 
would not hesitate to use them against civilian populations.

The solar system has allegedly spent billions of years producing asteroids 
large enough to cause massive global destruction on scales many orders of 
magnitude greater than the attacks of September 11, and has long been in 
possession of the means to deliver this destructive force against 
terrestrial targets.  In fact, the solar system has already struck several 
devestating blows against Earth, including one 65 million years ago which 
caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.  Such an attack would have violated 
international law, many experts agree, had there been any nations at the time.

Ethicists are puking their guts out over the implications of these 
findings.  Scientists generally hold that mass extinctions trigger 
evolutionary change, and that had the attack of 65 million years ago been 
averted, mammals might not have evolved into humans.  But the nagging 
question remains: why does the solar system hate us so much?

Most analysts agree that it's jealous that we're so close to the sun.

The Bush administration has warned that it is leaving all options open, 
clearly indicating its willingness to consider military solutions to the 
problem, such as blowing up the asteroid belt or diverting the asteroids 
towards annoying countries like France and Venezuela.  But the 
administration faces difficult prospects of convincing the American people, 
who are facing difficult economic times, to cough up the octillions of 
dollars these ambitious plans would cost.  Still, sales of bumper stickers 
that show Calvin pissing on an Asteroid are through the God Damned roof at 
this time.


--
Joe Futrelle
editor-within-chief
http://www.newspoetry.com/