[Newspoetry] Germany's Greatest Man Elections

[emerick at chorus.net]

Ecumenical News International -- News Highlights  -- 08 December 2003
Martin Luther, the 'greatest' German - almost

Bielefeld, Germany (ENI). German television viewers who voted in a poll to find the greatest German preferred the 16th-century Protestant reformer Martin Luther to Karl Marx, who inspired communism. But both Luther and Marx were beaten by Konrad Adenauer, West Germany's first chancellor after the Second World War, in the ballot at the end of November for the ZDF television channel in which an estimated 3.3 million people took part. The Protestant reformer polled the second highest number of votes - 556 298 - against 778 984 for Adenauer. Marx, in third position, received 500 442 votes. [281 words, ENI-03-066} --  See ENI Online: www.eni.ch

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Announcing the-"Greatest"-German-ever election results:
Despite early ZDF (Zionist Defense Fund) tv projections of Marx (as in X-Marks) win in formerly communist regions of Germany, the forces of Luth(if)er rallied and stopped the count when their man had nosed into 2d place behind the big Schnoz der Adenauer, or der Alte, or the Old Man (and the Sea, as Papa Hemingway appendingly noted in his famous biography on Der Alte).

So, what happened to the other 1.5 million ballots, asked the Marxists?  After all, if nearly 3.3 million bal;lorts were cast, they couldn't have been too widely scattered -- their just aren't that many popular figures in German history (except for this reporter's passion for Immanuel Kant).  Who would waste their ballot on such dwarves as Heidegger, Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, and similar such persons, even assuming, of course, that they or their legal representatives could prove themselves to be Germans?  The Marxists are not demanding a recoun; they simply insist that all of the ballots couild not have been counted -- and that all of the ballots must be counted.

Indeed, Israeli PM Sharon, speaking as an honorary German, said, "It's one of the oldest questions in history.  Who is a German?  Some say it is a simple matter of birth: if you are born to a German mother, then you are naturally a German.  Else, if you were not one of the first-born, then you could convert to Germanism, if you are wish."

Spme scholars point out that very few people actually convert to Germanism, because the conversion process requires immersion in vats of chlorine or other approved dyes, to turn the skin snow white and the hair "legally blond", too.  As if this doesn't blanche the cowardly out enough, then the final act of contrition requires one to be able to stare with steely blue eyes, as an officious junker orders you to perform vile and revolting acts, contrary to the laws of nature and international law.  However, other scholars maintain that Germanic conversion is not all that much of a difficulty, in light of the benefits bestowed upon candidate members of a potential master race.  This factor must have impressed Sharon, himself, who nearly holds dual citizenships in two such possible deep roots of civilization.

When asked about this, Sharon quips, "I'd become a Christian, too, but I can't have my pig and eat it, too.  I think that pig-eating is something you have to learn as a child, though some of my best friends -- like W -- tell me they have gone whole hog, on the barbeque, now and then.  Truly I say unto you, W was not born a Christian, but he was reborn as one, when it proved beneficial to appear as one."

A klutz reporter asked about Hitler, since no one else would dare mention the verboten popularity of the former chancellor.  ZDF replied that station policy forbids them to count votes for the ridiculous -- like Mickey Mouse or Adolf Hitler.  "Heck, we even threw away all of the ballots that named another Austrian, Schwarzenegger, because the certifiable winner must certifiably be a German."  The klutz dimly remarked, objectingly, "But, just over century ago, there was no Germany on the map... so how could there be any Germans, at all?  It's as ridiculous as the idea that there are any true Israelites living in Palestine, today -- because if the name on the matgter can give character to a people, then the so-called Palestinians are the only true Israelites."

We return you now to German Election Central, where chaos never reigns.

Thanks for listening,
your BundtCaken correspondent,
Donald L Emerick

PS:  Greatest Men of History Elections, by definition, exclude all women and children.  You will be so kind as to observe these restrictions when casting your ballot, first, at the other guy.  BC, DLE