[Newspoetry] fake infomercial from NYT

[Joe Futrelle]

May 14, 2005
Start a War, No Money Down!

By MATT MILLER

[Infomercial director: " 'The Republican Guide to Wartime Tax  
Cuts' ... Take One ... Action!"]

ANNOUNCER: In the old days, war profiteering was a grueling round-the- 
clock job. You actually had to make something, like planes or guns,  
and then overcharge the government obscenely. Now, thanks to the  
Republicans, countless Americans are becoming "war profiteers" in  
their spare time - and you can, too. Riches once thought to be the  
exclusive preserve of a few unsavory arms merchants have been made  
available to thousands of successful Americans, many of whom pull in  
the cash literally as they sleep!

What's their secret? With "The Republican Guide to Wartime Tax Cuts,"  
you can find out what's in the playbook of Republican professionals.  
You'll get the war you want without laying out a dime, even as you  
benefit from huge tax cuts to boot (note: certain income thresholds  
apply).

And here's the kicker: you can slip the bill for all of this - both  
the war and your tax cut - to unsuspecting children!

I know what you're thinking: "I don't have the self-confidence or  
social skills to reach for such dreams." But here's the truth:  
neither did Republicans a few years ago. Yet just this week they came  
through again. On Wednesday, George Bush signed into law an  
additional $82 billion for Iraq, which brings the amount America has  
spent to oust Saddam Hussein and occupy the country close to $300  
billion.

Now, whatever you thought about Saddam, the best news is this: we got  
this war for no money down and zero payments for 10 years. That's  
right: every penny spent on this war has been added to the deficit.  
And this latest $82 billion sailed through without a hitch, with no  
pesky questions as to whether we should actually pay for our own wars  
today.

(Yes, there was one scare, when Joe Biden said we could do that by  
repealing a sliver of the tax cuts with which the G.O.P. has  
incentivized important Americans. Luckily this notion was swatted  
away as "nongermane.") Now the drive for more tax cuts continues,  
even as yearly deficits close in on half a trillion dollars!

If you're ready to bring into your own life the power that this total  
suppression of fiscal and moral reality can offer, "The Republican  
Guide" is for you. Our CD's and training manuals will teach you how  
to profit during wartime without ever leaving your home. In an age of  
everlasting war, we'll show you which congressmen to call to make  
sure your tax cuts are permanent to match.

But there's more. Beyond learning how to maximize your own wartime  
tax cuts, you'll master previously undisclosed behavioral secrets  
that let you act as if there's nothing wrong with getting yours while  
the getting's good - just as top Republicans do!

Don't take my word for it. Listen to how someone just like you  
changed his life in a few short hours of study.

[Testimonial]

THIRTY-SOMETHING MALE: I never felt strong enough to utterly ignore  
Judeo-Christian ethics, even though I suspected that could get me the  
life I dreamed of. That's why "The Republican Guide" is so inspiring.

Believe it or not, there was actually a time when it was considered  
offensive to fight wars and cut taxes at the same time. In those  
days, conservatives were ostracized for wanting to scrap estate taxes  
for wealthy heirs while soldiers died in distant lands and their  
families scraped by on food stamps. I know - it seems so far away!

That's when I had to ask myself: if Republicans could find the  
courage to put these inhibitions behind them, imagine what I could do  
to reach for the brass ring in my own life. Now, though I'd rather  
not go into the details, I make more money, pay less taxes and have a  
beautiful wife and child.

[Back to announcer]

ANNOUNCER: So what are you waiting for? Our operators are standing by  
at call centers in India. Let "The Republican Guide to Wartime Tax  
Cuts" change your life, just as it's changed America.

[Voice-over]

WARNING: Support for the Republicans' wartime fiscal policy may  
include such side effects as 50 million uninsured, crumbling roads  
and bridges, and swelling inequality. If you are concerned about any  
of these symptoms, please call Dr. Howard Dean.

E-mail: mattmiller at nytimes.com
Matt Miller is a fellow at the Center for American Progress. Maureen  
Dowd is on book leave until July 6.


--
Joe Futrelle
Person

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