[Newspoetry] TOBACCO TAXES NEAR $80 PER PACK

[DL Emerick]

TOBACCO TAXES NEAR $80 PER PACK

NPIT WASHINGTON DC -
Tobacco industry leaders today again decried the latest taxes placed upon
cigarettes:  "How long must the poor lonely smoker, a social outcast,
continue to pay for the sinful necessities of others?" said Filipe Morris
and Winston Tapers, in a joint conference.  (No joints were actually
observed, smoking or otherwise, during the conference, but who knows what
happens in the back and in the bath rooms, especially the Turkish ones?)

The latest tax increase, amounting to $18 per pack, was justified by the
need to pay for the ongoing war in Iraq, now in its 27th year.  President
Jena Bush persuaded Congress to continue funding for just one more decade,
because the permanent cost of surrender would be far higher than the
temporary cost of continuing the struggle, although the latter appears to
have no particular end in sight.  Budget analysts now estimate the total
costs of the Iraq war, to date, are nearing a quadrillion dollars.  However,
the latest increase upon cigarettes means the rest of the public will
continue to experience no sacrifice in personal well-being to support the
Iraqi war.

President Jena spoke fondly from the Rose Garden, where she was married, 22
years ago this summer.  "I always hope to make both Daddy and Grand-Daddy
proud of me, just as I am proud to be an American.  They just loved both
America and me so much.  They really took this war in the Middle East
seriously, and I do, too."

"We will never surrender even if another 50,000 American troops have to die
in Freedom's cause.  They'll die like all soldiers die, with honor and
dignity, bravely sacrificing their own lives so the Homeland will be free
and secure.  Democracy will ultimately triumph; Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia will
fail.  Someday, we'll even catch and kill the illusive bin Laden.  America
always wins when it keeps its eyes on the prize."

A Bush spokesperson also strongly emphasized, privately, that all American
combat forces in Iraq may purchase their cigarettes duty-free.  "We support
our combat forces totally.  If they need a drink or a smoke, to handle the
stress of war or the trauma of combat, we will light their butts and pour
their drinks for them - as long as there is war, here at home or in far
countries, which brave men and women must ever fight for us."

Health analysts also weighed in heavily, speaking in favor of the new round
of tobacco taxes.  "There is always a slight chance that some smoker will
stop smoking, because he can no longer pay the price of tobacco.  And,
whenever a smoker quits, his life is improved, possibly even saved or
stretched out," said one health-industrial-complex executive.

However, some leading economists spoke of this "smoking cessation" phenomena
as a minimal possibility.  Yesterday, in Oslo, Nobel prize winner Johann
Bjorning said, "Addiction never dies; it only finds other hiding places.
The first refuge is denial: millions of smokers today deny publicly that
they smoke.

"The second hiding place occurs in black-market operations.  My studies have
long established firmly the connection between illegality and unjust
taxation.  Whenever you raise taxes unjustly, crime rises; conversely,
whenever you lower taxes unjustly, crime rises.  The startling growth of
tobacco-related smuggling crimes is only one indicator of this aspect of
injustice.  Justice is never possibly unless there is first and foremost
just in taxation.

"The final place that addictions hide is illustrated by substitution
behaviors.  Usually, such substitution demands have market advantages as
lower price and thus the accompanying supply-side effect of more general
availability.  However, unfortunately, such substitutions also usually are
accompanied by more insidious side-effects than the products they replace -
such as the stunning rise in obesity, among Americans.  As Americans quit
smoking, they began fattening up.  The gain in the average American's weight
more than offset the putative health gains from smoking cessation."

"In short, said Dr. Bjorning, addictions always hide - and the
socio-political system, at most, only determines where addictions hide."

In related other news, Wall Street stocks of tobacco companies rose sharply,
reacting strongly to Washington's commitment to achieving a balanced budget.


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