[Peace-discuss] Fwd: Michael Moore Announces the Opening of "MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY"

[Jim Buell]

The latest from Michael Moore. Enjoy.

jb


>From: "Michael Moore's Mailing List" <mailinglist at michaelmoore.com>
>Subject: Michael Moore Announces the Opening of "MIKE'S OFFICE OF
>         HOMELAND SECURITY"
>
>Michael Moore Announces the Opening of "MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY"
>
>
>June 7, 2002
>
>My fellow Americans,
>
>We live in really, really, scary, scary times. BOO! See, you jumped, didn't
>you? I don't blame you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!
>
>Yes, there are thousands of evildoers who are working 24/7 to mess us up.
>Well, actually, it may only be a few hundred.
>
>OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's just three guys -- and they go by the names
>of bin Bush, al-Ashcroft and Abu Cheney.
>
>Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger. Whether it was their
>inaction before September 11th, or their actions since September 11th, they
>have made this a less-safe country -- and they are doing their damnedest to
>destroy our constitution and our American way of life. They must be
>stopped. Or at least sent on a very long Carnival Cruise.
>
>That is why today I am announcing the creation of MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND
>SECURITY.
>
>This Office will, each day, issue the necessary warnings to the American
>people (and to the other freaked-out inhabitants of this planet) about what
>precautions and action you and they will need to take. Though not yet a
>cabinet-level department (this would first require removing the squatters
>at 1600 Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland Security will act as THE
>one-stop shopping and command center charged with monitoring the movements
>of the doers of true evil. This Office will dispatch the forces of the
>American Public (the vast majority of whom never elected a single damn one
>of the men who now "lead" us) to conquer evil wherever it may be, from DC
>to Wall Street to the Republic of Texas.
>
>Let's face it, folks, it's not that these are simply bad men. It's just
>that now, with all the recent revelations, it has become sadly evident they
>are just plain stupid ("Mr.'President,' we think Osama is going to hijack
>planes and crash them into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation -- send
>my aides a memo!"). When George W. promised last week to "securitize" the
>country, who among us felt really safe (or "safetized")? When General
>Ashcroft (as the Democratic senators on the "oversight" panel reverently
>addressed him recently) spends our money on expensive drapes to cover up
>the statue of Lady Justice at the Justice Department because he does note
>want to see a stone breast exposed, who among us feels the cover-up at
>Justice stops there? When Dick Cheney disappears for long periods of time,
>who among us doesn't
>scream, "PAR-TY!!"
>
>So the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And they did nothing. But THEY
>will not be part of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS Office of
>Homeland Security. No, of course not! Why have the two of them stinkin' up
>the room? And what do THEY have to do with making sure SICKOS DON'T KILL
>US??!! No, instead, W. is going to whip the Coast Guard and the fruitfly
>inspectors at Immigration into shape, those lazy bastards! No wonder our
>lives are still in jeopardy -- it's the out-of-control toll collectors at
>the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit! Thank God the FBI and the CIA will be
>allowed to continue on their own separate paths, kicking the crap outta
>each other, and answerable to no one. AS IT SHOULD BE!! I mean, where would
>we be today (and how many may have lived) had the FBI not siphoned off the
>resources of 200 full-time FBI agents who spent the better part of the late
>'90s on the Clinton-Lewinsky case -- investigating the national security
>crisis of how to get a stain out of a blue dress! What if they had been
>doing their REAL job -- like investigating dip-shit flight training schools
>in Florida and Texas and SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES?! What a waste of time! And
>still, to this day, not a single apology from any Republicans for that
>costly misdirection of police protection. (You see, if I were to go call
>9-1-1 right now and send the cops off to some stupid non-crime scene, I
>would be arrested. When the Republicans did it, they got the White House.)
>
>Well, enough carpin' about these losers. Nothing they do will prevent the
>next attack, sad to say. So, at the very least, I can offer to help protect
>our constitution, our civil liberties, and our precious right to watch
>football, eat Tostitos, and NOT fall off the couch.
>
>Plus, my Office of Homeland Security will give out prizes! All the Bush
>Office is doing is giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans, throw
>them in secret prisons and
>never charge them.
>
>My color codes of various security levels will come in everything from CODE
>MAUVE to CODE PERIWINKLE. I will explain the day's "Crisis Situation" and
>give you "Your Mission." By turning to Mike's Office of Homeland Security
>you may not survive the next terrorist attack, but you will definitely make
>it to November 2, 2004. And wake up happy on November 3.
>
>By what authority do I establish this Office? Well, I may not be the
>President, but they've just told me I've sold more books this year than
>Harry Potter -- and, dammit, that should bestow some sort of superpowers on
>me to protect the rest of us, right?
>
>Thank you. Good night. And God Bless America Except Florida.
>
>Michael Moore
>Author
>Filmmaker
>Evildoer Doer
>
>
>mike at michaelmoore.com
>
>To check in at Mike's Office of Homeland Security or to get your copy of
>"Stupid White Men, click here:
>
>http://www.michaelmoore.com