[Peace-discuss] Bill of Rights Pared Down to a Manageable Six (fwd)

[C. G. Estabrook]

   Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six
   
   WASHINGTON, DC--Flanked by key members of Congress and his
   administration, President Bush approved Monday a streamlined version
   of the Bill of Rights that pares its 10 original amendments down to a
   "tight, no-nonsense" six.
   
   A Republican initiative that went unopposed by congressional
   Democrats, the revised Bill of Rights provides citizens with a "more
   manageable" set of privacy and due-process rights by eliminating four
   amendments and condensing and/or restructuring five others. The Second
   Amendment, which protects the right to keep and bear arms, was the
   only article left unchanged.
   
   Calling the historic reduction "a victory for America," Bush promised
   that the new document would do away with "bureaucratic impediments to
   the flourishing of democracy at home and abroad."
   
   "It is high time we reaffirmed our commitment to this enduring symbol
   of American ideals," Bush said. "By making the Bill of Rights a tool
   for progress instead of a hindrance to freedom, we honor the true
   spirit of our nation's forefathers."
   
   The Fourth Amendment, which long protected citizens' homes against
   unreasonable search and seizure, was among the eliminated amendments.
   Also stricken was the Ninth Amendment, which stated that the
   enumeration of certain Constitutional rights does not result in the
   abrogation of rights not mentioned.
   
   "Quite honestly, I could never get my head around what the Ninth
   Amendment meant anyway," said outgoing House Majority Leader Dick
   Armey (R-TX), one of the leading advocates of the revised Bill of
   Rights. "So goodbye to that one."
   
   Amendments V through VII, which guaranteed the right to legal counsel
   in criminal cases, and guarded against double jeopardy, testifying
   against oneself, biased juries, and drawn-out trials, have been
   condensed into Super-Amendment V: The One About Trials.
   
   Attorney General John Ashcroft hailed the slimmed-down Bill of Rights
   as "a positive step."
   
   "Go up to the average citizen and ask them what's in the Bill of
   Rights," Ashcroft said. "Chances are, they'll have only a vague
   notion. They just know it's a set of rules put in place to protect
   their individual freedoms from government intrusion, and they assume
   that's a good thing."
   
   Ashcroft responded sharply to critics who charge that the Bill of
   Rights no longer safeguards certain basic, inalienable rights.
   
   "We're not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal
   security," Ashcroft said. "By allowing for greater government control
   over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights will
   now offer expanded personal freedoms whenever they are deemed
   appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective
   operation of the federal government."
   
   Ashcroft added that, thanks to several key additions, the Bill of
   Rights now offers protections that were previously lacking, including
   the right to be protected by soldiers quartered in one's home
   (Amendment III), the guarantee that activities not specifically
   delegated to the states and people will be carried out by the federal
   government (Amendment VI), and freedom of Judeo-Christianity and
   non-combative speech (Amendment I).
   
   According to U.S. Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), the original Bill of
   Rights, though well-intentioned, was "seriously outdated."
   
   "The United States is a different place than it was back in 1791,"
   Craig said. "As visionary as they were, the framers of the
   Constitution never could have foreseen, for example, that our
   government would one day need to jail someone indefinitely without
   judicial review. There was no such thing as suspicious Middle Eastern
   immigrants back then."
   
   Ashcroft noted that recent FBI efforts to conduct investigations into
   "unusual activities" were severely hampered by the old Fourth
   Amendment.
   
   "The Bill of Rights was written more than 200 years ago, long before
   anyone could even fathom the existence of wiretapping technology or
   surveillance cameras," Ashcroft said. "Yet through a bizarre fluke, it
   was still somehow worded in such a way as to restrict use of these
   devices. Clearly, it had to go before it could do more serious damage
   in the future."
   
   The president agreed.
   
   "Any machine, no matter how well-built, periodically needs a tune-up
   to keep it in good working order," Bush said. "Now that we have the
   bugs worked out of the ol' Constitution, she'll be purring like a
   kitten when Congress reconvenes in January--just in time to work on a
   new round of counterterrorism legislation."
   
   "Ten was just too much of a handful," Bush added. "Six civil liberties
   are more than enough."
   
http://www.theonion.com/onion3847/bill_of_rights.html