[Peace-discuss] Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness

[Morton K. Brussel]

If you have time…, and want to be (not) amused.

 From The Onion:
Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness
February 27, 2006 | Issue 42

WASHINGTON, DC.  In a press conference on the
steps of the Capitol  Monday, Congressional
Democrats announced that, despite the scandals
plaguing the Republican Party and widespread calls
for change in  Washington, their party will remain
true to its hopeless direction.

     "We are entirely capable of bungling this
opportunity to regain  control of the House and
Senate and the trust of the American  people,"
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said to
scattered  applause. "It will take some doing, but
we're in this for the long  and pointless haul."

     House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi reaffirms
the Democratic Party’s  promise to remain
marginalized.

     "We can lose this," Reid added. "All it takes
is a little lack of  backbone."

     Despite plummeting poll numbers for the G.O.P.
nationwide and an  upcoming election in which all
House seats and 33 Senate seats are up for
contention, Democrats pledged to maintain their
party's sheepish resignation.

     "In times like these, when the American public
is palpably dismayed with the political status
quo, it is crucial that Democrats remain unfocused
and defer to the larger, smarter, and
better-equipped  Republican machine," House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said.  "If we
play our cards right, we will be intimidated to
the point of  total paralysis."

     Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT) cited the Bush
Administration's bungled response to Hurricane
Katrina as a model for Democrats.

     "Grandmothers drowning in nursing homes,
families losing everything, communities torn apart
-- and the ruling party just sat and watched,"
Lieberman said. "I'm here to promise that we
Democrats will find a  way to let you down just
like that."

     According to Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA),
Democrats are not willing to sacrifice their core
values -- indecision, incoherence, and
disorganization -- for the sake of short-term
electoral gain.

     "Don't lose faithlessness, Democrats," Kennedy
said. "The next  election is ours to lose. To
those who say we can't, I say: Remember  Michael
Dukakis. Remember Al Gore. Remember John Kerry."

     Kennedy said that, even if the Democrats were
to regain the upper  hand in the midterm
elections, they would still need to agree on a
platform and chart a legislative agenda -- an
obstacle he called  "insurmountable."

     "Universal health care, the war in Iraq, civil
liberties, a living  wage, gun control -- we're
not even close to a consensus within our own
ranks," Kennedy said. "And even if we were, we
wouldn't know how to  implement that consensus."

     Democratic Party faithful cheer on their
leaders’ resolutely  defeatist agenda.

     "Some rising stars with leadership potential
like [Sen. Barack] Obama (D-IL) and [New York
State Attorney General Eliot] Spitzer have
emerged, but don't worry: We've still got some
infight left in us,"  Democratic National
Committee Chairman Howard Dean said. "Over the
last decade, we've found a reliably losing
formula, and we're  sticking with it."

     Dean reminded Democratic candidates to "stay
on our unclear message, maintain a defensive,
reactive posture, and keep a distance from  voters."

     Political consultant and Democratic operative
James Carville said that, if properly
disseminated, the message of hopelessness could be
the Democrats' most effective in more than a decade.

     "For the first time in a long time, we're
really connecting with the American people, who
are also feeling hopeless," Carville said. "If  we
can harness that and run on it in '06, I believe
we can finish a strong second."

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