[Peace-discuss] NYT op-ed about Cheney defending "enhanced" interrogation techniques

[E. Wayne Johnson]

Cheney in real life is caricature surreal enough.



Stuart Levy wrote:
> On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 01:45:19PM -0500, Karen Medina wrote:
>   
>> [This was in the op-ed of the New York Times today, about Cheney
>> defending torture. Very odd writing indeed. Some parts of this sound
>> plausible for Cheney, some parts ridiculous, even for Cheney. -kem ]
>>     
>
> Maureen Down should take better parody lessons.  From Harry Shearer maybe.
>  
>   
>> April 29, 2009
>> OP-ED COLUMNIST
>> Vice’s Secret Vices
>>
>> By MAUREEN DOWD
>> WASHINGTON
>>
>> In a closed-door session on Tuesday, Dick Cheney testified before the
>> Senate Intelligence Committee, which is investigating the “enhanced”
>> interrogation techniques of “high value” detainees.
>>
>> This columnist gained exclusive “access” to the classified testimony
>> of the “deeply missed” former vice president.
>>
>> The chairwoman of the committee, Dianne Feinstein, began by telling
>> Cheney that she was “shocked personally” by what she had learned about
>> the brutality of the way prisoners were treated.
>>
>> “Those insects weren’t even poisonous,” Cheney growled. “Facial slaps?
>> Abdominal slaps? Throwing a naked man into a wall? Kid stuff. Those
>> methods worked. They kept us safe for seven years. Safer than with
>> that delicate Hawaiian orchid in the White House. America is coming
>> across as weak and indecisive. Just when Rummy and I had stomped out
>> that ‘Blame America First’ flower-child culture, Obama has dragged it
>> back, apologizing profusely all over the world for the country he’s
>> running, canoodling with greasy dictators, kissing up to those weasels
>> in Europe, which is only free today because of our military. Friends
>> and foes alike will be quick to take advantage if they think they’re
>> dealing with a Creamsicle.”
>>
>> Senator John McCain, looking disgusted, began yelling at Cheney,
>> telling him that waterboarding someone 183 times in a month was
>> against the law. “The Japanese who did that in World War II were tried
>> and hanged,” he sneered.
>>
>> “Shut your piehole,” Cheney replied flatly. “Everyone’s sick of you
>> being an apologist for torture. Why don’t you go join that pantywaist
>> Specter on the other side where you belong?”
>>
>> Senator Russ Feingold got into the fray, asking Cheney sarcastically:
>> “Can you tell us exactly which terrorist plots were foiled by
>> torture?”
>>
>> Cheney offered his mirthless smile. “Certainly,” he replied. “Shortly
>> after 9/11, we disrupted a plot to assassinate a senator, penetrating
>> two terrorist cells and uncovering a Serbian scheme. Our interrogator
>> used a chokehold, threatened to withhold a detainee’s heart medicine,
>> and broke a few laws, but it was well worth it.”
>>
>> Feingold interrupted with thinly veiled contempt: “You’re telling us
>> now that the Serbs are linked to Al Qaeda?”
>>
>> Cheney nodded. “Of course. Then, the following year, we were able to
>> get a lead on an international terrorist named Syed Ali and stop a
>> nuclear bomb from being detonated in Los Angeles. Sure, an enemy
>> combatant was shot in the chest. Yes, a hacksaw came into play. There
>> was some wall slamming, throat grabbing and when Ali wouldn’t talk
>> because he was doing ‘Allah’s work,’ our agent had to feign the
>> shooting death of Ali’s first-born son. But in the end we averted
>> World War III with three Middle East countries and kept America safe
>> from a suitcase bomb.
>>
>> “In 2004, we thwarted the spread of a deadly weaponized virus strain.
>> The following year, after some unsuccessful attempts at sensory
>> disorientation with detainees, we got a torture specialist who had a
>> way with a taser and his trusty syringe. Strict measures, like
>> breaking fingers one by one and using an electrical cord from a lamp
>> to shock a suspect, were necessary. We were under attack by a
>> terrorist named Habib Marwan who controlled a bunch of Middle East
>> terrorist cells. They were planning to meltdown nuclear power plants
>> across the country, shoot down Air Force One and set off a nuclear
>> missile. On top of that, we were dealing with a mole in our
>> counterterrorism unit.
>>
>> “In 2006, after an incident with the man who made history by becoming
>> the first black president ...”
>>
>> Senator Feinstein interrupted: “Excuse me, Mr. Cheney, are you talking
>> about Barack Obama?”
>>
>> “I said the first black president,” Cheney snapped, before continuing:
>> “Our interrogator needed to do some things outside protocol. There was
>> an exploding vest, a foot digging into a wound, an injection of
>> pain-inducing hyoscine-pentothal, a threat to cut out the eyes of a
>> suspect being interrogated unless he confessed where the Sentox nerve
>> gas cannisters were. But the Geneva Conventions are a small thing to
>> give up when you consider that we broke up a nefarious plot that
>> reached to the highest levels — the Oval Office.”
>>
>> Senator Olympia Snowe looked confused: “But you were in the Oval
>> Office in 2006, Mr. Cheney.”
>>
>> Something dawned on Evan Bayh and he smiled grimly. “Didn’t it turn
>> out in the end, Dick,” he asked, “that some of these so-called
>> terrorist plots were really domestic villains with black ops teams
>> scheming to control the oil supply and get rich? Sort of like what you
>> did with Iraq and Halliburton?”
>>
>> Cheney glared at him, saying “We’re the patriots.” Bayh walked over
>> and whispered something to the chairwoman.
>>
>> “Mr. Cheney,” Feinstein said, sounding shocked, “your testimony is
>> delusional, not to mention derivative.”
>>
>> Cheney looked apoplectic, not to mention apocalyptic. “How dare you,”
>> he cried, “demean our country’s finest counterterrorism agent, Jack
>> Bauer?”
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>>     
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