[Newspoetry] Clinton Arrested in Fairville, Oklahoma

[William Gillespie]

Gus: Well now, if it ain't the sheriff strutting into his office like
John Wayne. What's got you to grinning like a rascal?

Zeke: Well, Gus, I did Weatherstripper County proud today. I done
arrested a real big criminal right here in Fairville, right downtown,
right outside the post office!

Gus: That sounds like a yarn, Zeke. What would a real big-time criminal
be doing lurking around these here parts?

Zeke: Well, Gus, he was giving a speech about the global economy right
over there at the Hostess plant.

Gus: You mean.. you arrested Bill Clinton?

Zeke: You bet I did, Gus, he's a member of the President's Gang. Them
outlaws have been acting like they own the country since I don't know
when. Reckon there's more than fifty of them. They've got all kinds of
guns too. No telling how many's alive or where they's hiding out.

Gus: Dagnabbit Zeke! You cain't just arrest a man like that. When he's
giving a speech and all.

Zeke: Shucks, he's got a file so thick it'd come up to a horse's
shoulder. He's had his nose in money laundering, real estate
shenanigans, and the things he's done to women are just sick, Gus. And I
got him on resisting arrest for sure.

Gus: Well. What about his bodyguards?

Zeke: Well now, Gus, I had to arrest them too. They were right ornery
bastards. Tried to put up a fight. I damn near had to tan each and every
one of they hides. Right now I got one of  em trussed like a turkey in
the detention cell. The others are in the back of the wagon out front.

Gus: And his wife?

Zeke: Now, Gus, she ain't done no wrong. She's a nice lady and it ain't
her fault her husband's a scoundrel. I let her go. Fact is, she thanked
me for arresting that no-good man of hers.

Gus: Land sakes alive! Now what did you do with that there jet he flew
in on? Air Force One?

Zeke: Impounded it. It'll bring in a pretty penny at the police auction
up in Middlington next July.

Gus: I don't know about all this, Zeke.

Zeke: Heck, Gus, you oughta be proud of me!  After the mayor hears about
this, why I bet he hires me a deputy. I been keeping the streets clean
in Weatherstripper County singlehandedly long enough. I sure could use
me an assistant!

<META NAME="subject" CONTENT="southern dialect, sterotypes, law
enforcement, rural America, justice">
<META NAME="title" CONTENT="Clinton Arrested in Fairville, Oklahoma">
<META NAME="author" CONTENT="William Gillespie">
<META NAME="form" CONTENT="dialog, dialect, script">