[Newspoetry] FW: IMC digest, Vol 1 #657 - Bush's Colonoscopy

[Robert Porter]

And the forwarding frenzy continues ...

But it's OK, its a newspoem.


Message: 1
From: "Darrin Drda" <d_drda at hotmail.com>
To: imc at www.ucimc.org
Date: Tue, 09 Jul 2002 15:31:24 +0000
Subject: [Imc] FWD: The Results of Bush's Colonoscopy

I'm usually quite un-delighted to receive forwarded emails, but every once
in awhile there's a gem:
*************
Where Few Have Gone Before
By Barry Smith / www.Irrelativity.com
-----

President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy -- a diagnostic examination to
check for early signs of colon cancer -- and will transfer power to Vice
President Dick Cheney during the procedure.

"This is a routine physical examination that will be done at Camp David. I'm
going to be sedated for a period of time and will transfer power to the vice
president during that time," Bush said.  - CNN
*****

RESULTS OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S COLONOSCOPY OF 6/29/02

[Report prepared by Dr. James Butler - Chief of gastroenterology at the
National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda, Maryland.]

At 7:09 a.m. EDT, anesthesia was administered to patient George W. Bush. As
the anesthesia took effect, patient confessed his love for the entire
medical team and faded into unconsciousness while humming the song "Onward
Christian Soldiers."
   
The Presidential Sphincter was examined, as per standard procedure, and
found to be "extraordinarily puckered." Though not of medical consequence,
it did require extra lubrication and force to facilitate insertion of the
colonoscope.
   
Upon entering the rectum, the following items were discovered by the
colonoscope and subsequently removed:

- Piece of gnawed crayon, color "periwinkle"
- Partially digested fried pork rind
   
At 7:12 a.m., overseeing physician Dr. Richard Tubb received a phone call on
his cellular phone from Acting President Dick Cheney. Cheney inquired as to
the whereabouts of the Oval Office stapler, and was informed that President
Bush was already unconscious. Acting President Cheney mumbled something
about guessing he'd just have to use paper clips for the time being, and
ended his communication abruptly.

Items found in the descending colon:

- Pretzel, partially chewed
- Tiny bits of a printed document believed to be the U.S. Constitution
- Small plastic bag containing white powder, lodged in colon wall. Lack of
tooth marks indicate it may have been swallowed in haste. Fecal buildup
around container suggests its presence in the colon for many years.
   
All items were removed and sent to lab for biopsy.
   
At 7:17 a.m., Acting President Cheney calls to check on the status of the
procedure, and to see if it is possible to wake the patient up "just a
little bit, just enough to ask him how to work the DirectTV remote." Lead
Anestheologist Dr. Paul Bruha was consulted, and recommended against this
course of action.
   
Two polyps were discovered in the transverse colon. A standard polypectomy
was performed, followed by the subsequent release of a black, viscous
substance from the base of the lanced areas.
   
At 7:21 a.m. Acting President Cheney called Dr. Butler, claiming he "totally
forgot what he was calling for," but assured Dr. Butler it would come to him
in a minute. While waiting for the Acting President to remember the nature
of his communication, Dr. Butler informed him of the emissions from the
punctured areas of the Colon-in-Chief. Cheney demanded an immediate course
of continued drilling and the construction of a transcolonic pipeline.
Cheney's orders were left incomplete, as he was interrupted by the
call-waiting function of his telephone.

Items discovered in the ascending colon:

- Piece of toenail, moderately chewed
- A human nose - believed to belong to Pat Robertson
- Copy of "Cliff'sNotes:The Little Engine That Could"
- Large stick, lodged sideways
  
All items were removed, passed around the room so everyone could get their
picture taken with them, then sent to the lab.
   
At 7:29 a.m. the colonoscopy was completed. President Bush awoke at 7:31 in
a cranky mood, expressing his dismay that the procedure was over so soon.
When his request for more anesthesia was denied, he groggily accused Dr.
Bruha of "Bogarting."
   
At 7:34 a.m., Acting President Cheney called Dr. Butler and requested "a
medium pepperoni with mushrooms and black olives." Upon recognizing Butler's
voice, Cheney quickly hung up.
  
Biopsy of removed items should be complete within 48 hours, except for the
bag containing the white powder, which never arrived at the laboratory and,
in fact, never existed.
   
At 9:24 a.m., President Bush resumed power, as he was feeling good enough to
sit up in bed and eat a few spoonfuls of ketchup.



****************

COPYRIGHT (C) 2002 by BARRY SMITH

Barry Smith's "Irrelativity" appears in The Aspen Times (the one in Aspen,
CO, that part of Colorado which is not currently on fire) twice weekly.

To receive a weekly email version of "Irrelativity" send a message
requesting such to barry at Irrelativity.com.

And hey, while you're thinking about it, you can visit the Irrelativity web
page at - check it out - http://www.Irrelativity.com. Once there you'll find
out how to get your copy of "ODE TO MUSTARD," Barry's collection of
hilarious poems and stories. Just click on the "Buy stuff you don't need"
link.

Should you feel an urge to forward this column, feel free to do so, but do
me the honor of leaving these crucial ramblings in place



_________________________________________________________________
Join the world’s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.
http://www.hotmail.com