[Peace-discuss] Americans are Prepared for Deceptive Rhetoric

[E. Wayne Johnson]

WASHINGTON---After nearly four months of frank, honest, and open 
dialogue about the failing economy, a weary U.S. populace announced this 
week that it is once again ready to be lied to about the current state 
of the financial system.

Tired of hearing the grim truth about their economic future, Americans 
demanded that the bald-faced lies resume immediately, particularly 
whenever politicians feel the need to divulge another terrifying problem 
with Wall Street, the housing market, or any one of a hundred other 
ticking time bombs everyone was better off not knowing about.

In addition, citizens are requesting that the phrase, "It will only get 
worse before it gets better," be permanently replaced with, "Things are 
going great. Enjoy yourselves."

"I thought I wanted a new era of transparency and accountability, but 
honestly, I just can't handle it," Ohio resident Nathan Pletcher said. 
"All I ever hear about now is how my retirement has been pushed back 15 
years and how I won't be able to afford my daughter's tuition when she 
grows up."

"From now on, just tell me the bullshit I want to hear," Pletcher added. 
"Tell me my savings are okay, everybody has a job, and we're No. 1 
again. Please, just lie to my face."

The national call for decreased candor began last month, after the 
Department of Labor released another soul-crushing report that most 
Americans agreed "wasn't helping anything" and "didn't need to be so 
specific, at least."

The report estimated that 663,000 private and public sector jobs were 
lost in the month of March---a revealing statistic many people found 
shockingly blunt. Responding to the new information, an overwhelming 
majority of citizens said they believe that, during these extremely 
uncertain times, our leaders have a responsibility to come together, sit 
the American people down, and lie through their teeth about everything 
from misappropriations of taxpayer dollars to the severity of the credit 
crisis.

"I don't need to be constantly reminded that the lack of regulations on 
Wall Street compounded with failing institutions like AIG basically 
plunged the world economy into a global recession," said 32-year-old 
office manager Alexis Harrington. "What I want is for someone to tell me 
with a straight face that the GDP is through the roof so that I can feel 
better and instantly forget what all these terms even mean."

"For the first time in my life I know who the secretary of the treasury 
is," Harrington continued. "And I don't like it."

Reluctantly informed citizens like Harrington have also asked that CEOs 
of the nation's five largest banks release a joint statement saying that 
the October bailout worked perfectly, normal lending has resumed, and 
that we're nowhere close to having the entire monetary system collapse 
upon itself like a house of cards.

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, 98 percent of Americans no 
longer appreciate President Barack Obama's attempts to break down the 
economic crisis into simple terms they can understand. Instead, many say 
the president should have the decency to insult their intelligence by 
using complex jargon to confuse and deceive them, perhaps even implying 
that the subprime mortgage fallout was just a big misunderstanding that 
resulted from a clerical error.

"I know when he's telling the truth, and it bothers me," recently 
laid-off schoolteacher Mary Hanover said of Obama. "He gets this serious 
expression on his face and says things like, 'This is the worst economic 
crisis since the Great Depression.' Who needs to hear that? For Christ's 
sake, smile a bit and say we just found a diamond mine under Montana 
that's going to pay for everything. I'll believe you."

"Please, treat me like a child. Treat me like a five-year-old," 
Sacramento resident David Cooke, 64, wrote in a letter to Congress. "I 
lost everything when the Dow tanked, and I'm too old to start working 
again, so why punish me further by explaining in detail the clever ways 
these investment firms ripped me off and how they're all going to get 
away with it?"

Thus far, many policymakers in Washington have responded favorably to 
their constituents' requests, saying they respect and understand the 
public's need for dishonesty.

"I think we can accommodate the American people on this," Senate 
majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters. "Why, just today we 
made excellent progress with GM, whose CEO Fritz Henderson told us that 
every penny of federal and taxpayer funds would go directly to the 
construction of three new auto plants in Detroit that will create over 
90,000 new jobs and spark the economic rebound we've been waiting for."

Continued Reid, "Things are looking very, very bright."

(Yes, this was from the ONION).
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