[Peace-discuss] Fwd: A chuckle

[Morton K. Brussel]

Entertaining, and without any particular message. 

Begin forwarded message:

> From: bhannon <bhannon at uiuc.edu>
> Date: September 16, 2010 10:23:20 AM CDT
> To: Clark Bullard <bullard at illinois.edu>
> Subject: A chuckle
> 
>> 
>> Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 
>>  
>> Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
>> 
>> Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
>> 
>> Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
>> 
>> Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 
>> 
>> Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
>> 
>> Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 
>>  
>> Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
>>  
>> Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
>>  
>> Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
>>  
>> Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
>>  
>> Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 
>>  
>> Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 
>>  
>> Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation. 
>>  
>> Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
>>  
>> Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 
>>  
>> Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
>> 
>> Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 
>>  
>> Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 
>>  
>> Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 
>>  
>> Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
>>  
>> Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 
>>  
>> Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 
>>  
>> Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
>>  
>> 
>> Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 
>> 
>> Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 
>> 
>> Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
>> 
>> Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 
>> 
>> Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
>> 
>> Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. She won't expect it back. 
>> 
>> Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
>> 
>> Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 
>> 
>> Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
>> 
>> Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 
>> 
>> Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 
>> 
>> Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 
>> 
>> Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
>> 
>> Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 
>> 
>> Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
>> 
>> Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.   
>> 
>>  
>> Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
>> 
>> Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
>> 
>> Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
>> 
>> Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 
>> 
>> Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? 
>> 
>> Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
>> 
> 

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